Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?