A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.