1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.