Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
NASA has no chill