Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
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I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
@funTweeters
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Facebook memories be like
☺️
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.