[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
twitter is a journey
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me