All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it