Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.