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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The Book. The Movie.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2