my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”