And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise