when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
You Might Also Like
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call