I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
nyc:
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody