November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Camping tip: No.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
whatcha thinkin bout
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING