Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
😂😂😂
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?