Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*