If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
time for some seasonal decor
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.