“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.