It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
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Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries