whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.