*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
You Might Also Like
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Home is where your toilet is.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”