Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
first you must answer his riddles
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.