I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
bought wrong eggs
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.