It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
You Might Also Like
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson