Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh