Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.