It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Hotels are back
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.