My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…