Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Tough love is true love
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes