Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.