No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.