At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
getting groceries
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Just a bush.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”