Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
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How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
😂💯
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
When ur friends with white people
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?