Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me opening up to someone
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
what day is it?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.