[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Basketball
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
What number SPF blocks people?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade