Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
181.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
They grow up so quick
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.