air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.