My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month