sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
me working on my assignments ^-^
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!