Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow