I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
You Might Also Like
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???