I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits