I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you