Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.