Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Why are bridges so flammable.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.