honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult