‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Netflix and awkward silence?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.