I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
and now we wait
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
It do be feeling this way.
Found my door mat
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*