We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.