waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[eulogy]
line?